I haven’t posted anything in a while. It’s not that things haven’t been happening, but I’ve been in a sort of state of transition. I’ve been deciding what to do, how to move forward, what face I wanted to show the world. And, the answer to that should be obvious: mine. But, it wasn’t obvious.
Every time I approach this blog, there’s been a hesitation. What should I do? What do I want to create? Who do I want to become? Should I keep my banter and b.s. to a minimum and stick to the poems, sir, and only the poems! Or, should I hold nothing back and just brave what it means to exist among other people, for better or worse. There’s been a fear there. Maybe the person won’t live up to the poems. Maybe the poems will be what doesn’t live up to the person.
Now, I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions. As a teenager, I resolved to never make one again, and that’s the only resolution I’ve ever kept. But, I’ve had a rough few months, and have decided to try not to be so crippled by this irrepressible fear I have of being seen from this point forward. I’m not sure if I’m going to succeed in that, but I’m going to try. The fact that this has happened at the start of a new year is pure coincidence, or maybe it’s just that the changing of years reminds us of time and how much of it we’ve wasted.
In that vein, I’ve spent most of the day cursing out GIMP (I seriously miss photoshop, and need to purchase elements as soon as I can fill the piggy bank enough to afford it…) as I work on setting up my first youtube channel, like a proper fucking adult. And yes, I said ‘fucking’, because it’s an adjective, thank you. I think I’ll call that a first step – giving myself permission to use a bad word on my blog, because I use them in real life. A lot. Because words aren’t bad; they’re just words; they aren’t anything but the intent we put into them, and that intent is where poems and stories come from.
I am going to be shifting from soundcloud links on the blog to youtube links at some point in the hopefully near future, but am currently going through the learning process, analyzing the crappy equipment I have, and what kind of magic I can create with that. The youtube channel will also be called Shelby Stronger – just for sake of keeping everything as easy to remember as possible.
For now, rest assured there are new things in the works, and re-recordings of some very old ones as I dig through boxes found in the dark recesses of my closet — you know, hiding next to the skeletons.
I’m also toying with the idea of readings of published poems (giving proper credit where it is due, of course!) to fill the spaces where silence lives, when my muse has wandered off to write stories, or play with guitars, or get distracted by cute, furry little animals, as she is wont to do.
I hope that all works out, and I hope the very few followers I have are happy with the transition to hearing my voice as well as my poetry. And, I hope I figure out this youtube crap fast, so it won’t be another 6 months before I have something ready to be posted!
In 2015, and every year after it, I’m going to try to be more real with everyone, and I hope that will begin to open a dialogue where others feel comfortable being more real with me, too. And, that’s not a resolution, it’s just an earnest desire to finally stop choking on expectations, and start breathing actual air.