New Tune: The Zombie Song

This is not the song I promised you in one of my recent posts. I still haven’t recorded that one properly. This is something totally different.

I know I’ve been kind of in radio silent mode recently. Our receptionist at work has been out due to surgery, and I’ve been covering for her (in addition to my regular responsibilities) at the front desk – which is a terrible idea, but the one they’ve decided to go with. I hate talking on the phone, and it constantly derails my train of thought when I’m trying to focus on detail work and the desk is like this pit of sound from all angles, and I feel like I’m in a damn fishbowl and want to go back to my secluded ice cave in the back of the office where I can listen to whatever music I want because no one else can hear it, so it’s basically exhausting misery.

BUT, it’s not totally without any value, because I got to participate in the following conversation:

Dude on Phone (who I will from here be referring to as “Dopey”): “Do you have a warehouse in Philadelphia?”

Me: No. We have a store in Philadelphia, but if there’s a warehouse there, it’s not one of ours.

Dopey: I know you have a store in Philly. Do you have a warehouse in Philly?

Me: (again) No, we don’t. The company is a licensing agreement, so not all stores under that name are owned by the same people. If there is a warehouse in that area, I can’t tell you anything about it, because it doesn’t belong to us.

Dopey: okay. Let me ask you something. Does a former employee still get the employee discount?

Me: Not at our company, but I can’t advise you on the policies of locations that belong to other companies. (miraculously, didn’t laugh in his ear. go me.)

Dopey: But if I can prove he worked for you, is he entitled to the employee discount?

Me: (thinking: a) no you can’t, since I told you over and over again that’s not our location, and b) I literally JUST told you no.) No, sir. Only active employees at our company are entitled to an employee discount. But, again, I can’t advise you on the policies of other companies.

Dopey: But I can PROVE he worked for you! If I can PROVE IT does he get the discount?!

Me: No, sir. We only provide an employee discount to employees who are currently working for our company.

Dopey: But it’s not like he was fired or resigned, he died! Is he entitled to the discount?

Me: (the sound of my brain imploding. several thoughts about egyptian pharoahs, tombs, and zombies) No, sir, not at our company.

Dopey: Okay okay, and you don’t have a warehouse in Philadelphia?

Me: (am I being punked?) No.

Dopey: Do you have a warehouse where you sell things cheaper than in the stores?

Me: No, but several of our locations do have clearance centers built into them where discounted merchandise is sold.

Dopey: But you don’t have a warehouse where you can buy things cheaper where you are?

Me: In New Jersey?

Dopey: Yeah.

Me: No, we don’t.

Dopey: You don’t?

Me: No, we don’t.

And, finally, the conversation ended. Finally. FIIINNAALLLLYYYY. Funny story, though. And that conversation got me stuck on this idea of dead employees getting employee discounts, and that is why this bit of silliness now exists:

The Zombie Song (for lack of a better title)

I’ve almost got my house just the way I want it

and there are still closets full of secrets that need care

all of my baggage is full of baggage

so I can’t move quickly, I’ll just have to meet you there.


That’s why I’ve decided

that I might fight back, but I won’t run

when the world gets so misguided

that the zombie apocalypse comes.


To be honest I don’t think it’s going to end

that well for me

I don’t have any weapons, and I can’t shoot a gun

It’s entirely possible that being undead won’t

really change me

I imagine that brains must be gluten-free.


That’s why I’ve decided

that I might fight back, but I won’t run

when the world gets so short-sighted

that the zombie apocalypse comes.


But there are questions that still need answers

if I’m going to change my afterlife plan.

Like, do dead employees still get employee discounts

if they can come in and collect their wares

and if I’m only slightly dead, does my vote still count

or does my unfortunate condition count me out.


I need to know the proper hygiene for decomposing flesh

and what kind of gum to chew to tame my zombie breath.

Because I’m not going anywhere

when the zombie apocalypse comes,

I’m too comfortable right here

and I don’t travel light

so if I won’t go into hiding

I guess I’ll have to stay and fight.

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