Time to fess up here, guys. A few of my more recent posts are kind of embarrassing in retrospect. They’re staying as is because to be flawed is to be alive and I’m not going to try to hide that, but they do make me cringe a little, no kidding.
Have you ever had a moment where you thought one thing was going on in your head, and later you realized it was a totally different thing that was probably a really subtle form of self-sabotage? Yeah, guilty as charged.
I found myself trapped in this loop of re-evaluating and trying to decide not to do a thing and just move the fuck on, but I couldn’t quite let it go. Why? Because I really like my blog’s NAME? Un-fucking-likely, but I genuinely thought the only reason I was still blogging is because I like my blog name and want to keep it even if, for a while there, I thought having a blog at all had reached a point of redundancy, where it just wasn’t important, and I didn’t care about it, and I didn’t want to do it.
I am not going to lie to you and pretend I will never go through one of these phases again. I probably will. Possibly often. In fact, this blog has already lasted WAY longer than I expected. I tend to do blogs like I do dating: everything is sunshine and roses for about two weeks and then I get bored and want out. Confession time: I have commitment issues. That messes up a lot of things for me – not just the stereotypical love life. It also really screws with a lot of practical affairs. It can look like ADD at times; I get SO unfocused because I just can’t will myself into anything that I think will take too long. Once I start on a big project, I inevitably divert to something else (like guitar to ukulele to bass to ukulele to…etc). I can’t finish projects unless I barrel through them. I can’t commit to plans until a day or two before they happen. I say ‘maybe’ and ‘probably’ a LOT. Just the other day I found myself utterly unable to commit on an answer to whether or not we’d be ordering takeout for a party that I’m hosting only two and a half weeks from now. A WHOLE TWO AND A HALF WEEKS! WHO WOULD ASK ME TO GIVE THEM INFORMATION THAT FAR IN ADVANCE?! BARBARIANS, IS WHO! AND, I still haven’t learned a damn barre chord because every time I start to make progress, I completely flake.
I think at this point, that’s probably really important to admit because it puts a lot of the crap that goes on on this blog into it’s proper context. It’s why my lesson progress is all over the map. It’s why I disappear for weeks or months on end. It’s apparently a core component of my entire personality, and if you don’t know that, then the roundabout way I learn and play musical instruments just doesn’t make a heck of a lot of sense. It looks like I’m doing things the hard way because I lack a sense of stick-to-it-ness. What can I say? It’s a flaw that I’ve just sort of learned to work around. And, yeah, it means I tend to advance really slowly, because I’m constantly trying to work around this handicap that accosts me with insane levels of boredom and makes me go stir-crazy every time I sense I might be making real progress. So, I end up spiraling off on some unrelated tangent because the alternative would be to fight through the boredom and I just CAN’T. Maybe someday I’ll be able to. Today is not that day.
But, here’s the thing. IN SPITE OF ALL THAT, I still have this blog. I’ve had it WELL over two weeks. And, okay, maybe I’m never going to be good at diligently checking the blogs I’ve followed, or interacting with posts. Maybe the idea of all that social energy is just too daunting and too exhausting and I just CAN’T. But, I’ve managed to keep myself going on this blog for this long, and the only reason that can possibly be is that I still find it useful to have somewhere I can go to go on long diatribes that doesn’t involve me annoying my facebook friends with weird shit they don’t care about. So, I’m still here. On my soapbox. Just like everyone else.
What that means, essentially, is that I’m back to square one, though. If I’m going to keep this blog going, I have to re-evaluate, re-decide, and facelift. I’m not happy with it as it is. It needs a new coat of paint. Rest assured, I am still going to be on here talking about music things, because I like music things. Music things make me happy gosh darn it. But, maybe I’ll just spend more time talking about ALL the things. I don’t know yet.
So, I guess I’m back, but I’m not precisely back all the way. I’m not going to pretend I’m going to jump right back into reading blogs – it takes a lot of time and its just too daunting a task. I need to dip my toes in and take it slow. But, it means I am waiting on a banjolele atm, and you can expect a post about that when it gets here. And it means I’ve got other ideas of how to maybe freshen things up and make it interesting for myself again. It means I need a new damn tagline because I’m sick of the one I’ve got. And new art. And a new layout. And new…stuff. My blog needs new clothes, okay? All of my external links may temporarily disappear during remodeling. They’ll be back once I’ve trimmed down and tidied up.
So, that’s where I’m at right now. I’m around, but I’m about to start renovations, and hoping that moving the virtual furniture around helps me re-calibrate and gain some momentum, because I have seriously been slacking and need to get my groove back.